The struggle

Many of you may wonder where I have been.
Well since Dec '11 I have been hiding on an autonomous blog. It's not that I didn't want people to know who I was, it was that since we have been married we have been in a struggle. One that, at almost all times, you need to cry, scream and rant...and it's easier sometimes to do that and get your feelings out when no one really knows you.
You see we have tried to have a baby since the moment we were married.
It just wasn't in the cards to happen that way.
We struggled for the first year, just trying the natural way.
We struggled the second year with medication, which did nothing but give me huge headaches, I charted and read books...and cried so hard at the beginning of every "month".
And when all of that still failed we were handed off to a specialist.
More tests were ordered, more meds were given. Still no baby. We moved on to assisted fertilization (IUI).
When that failed we moved on to the next (IVF), the first try failed and I was devistated.
But thank God the second round worked and we are now happily expecting.

No one will quite understand the massive struggle that infertility can be. It makes you question every bit of yourself. It makes you feel like so much less of a person. And when you finally get to become pregnant, it makes it hard to believe that this is really happening to you.
I have seen this baby on a screen...wiggle and squirm all over the place...but I still have doubts that this is actually happening to me. I really don't think that I will believe it until I can feel this baby move inside me.

Infertility sucks, and I don't wish it on even my worst enemy.